MONDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2008 - HOPEFULLY THE LAST TIME I SPEAK OR EVEN THINK "MAX'

Hello My Dearest Ones,

I have done outstandingly well, I must say so myself, as well as every one else telling me so until I finally believed it!! I have been able to pay my bills without asking any one for even one cent!! I am having ALL my needs met very well by my part-time Caregiver or more importantly MYSELF!! I love this feeling!! I am regaining more of my new found freedom and independence each and every day!!

Then, why do I get hit with my stupid waves?!! Why do I try to be nice to a person who has spent the last thirty plus years trying to make me a complete invalid under his control irregardless of what he had to do?

I know the answer to these questions!! Because I get hit with waves of lonliness that simply do not quit at times!! Especially times of Wedding Anniversary, Christmas and upcoming New Year!!

Well, to know the saga of Christmas!! Well, Christmas, and Christmas Eve for that matter, are easy to tell!! They literally were NOT!! I got through and that is all I can say for them!! Oh, I did make reservations for the Fulton Community Christmas Dinner Committee to deliver Christmas Dinner to my mother and myself. I also called Eunice and had her call and get Christmas Dinner for Marion and herself also!! Granny Lou thankfully was at her local daughter's and Wanda got snow and ice bound one week ago today in Iowa City, some ninety miles away, but at least where her son lives!! Thus, I had a very tasty Christmas Dinner, along with Miprezious, as we got two dinners as when I made the delivery reservations it appeared we would be two here!! Thus, Miprezious got a full dinner herself!! I had a very tasty Christmas Dinner all home made and delivered right to my door absolutely free as my mother gave a large donation which she noted was to also cover Marion, Eunice and myself!! Leave it to my mother!!
She loved it so much, that she promptly called and instructed me to keep track of the phone number I had called to make these dinner delivery reservations as the dinner and day was absolutely perfect to her!! Just the way Mother always has wanted things to be, so at least she got her Christmas wishes this year!!

As for me, Miprezious and I did have a very tasty Christmas dinner!! I had intended to at least take it out of the styrofoam cartons it came in and put it on my lovely Tea Rose china, but I looked around and thought "why" and decided against any dirty dishes and opted for the lovely styrofoam china. We had a very large portion of both white and dark meat turkey, a large slice of wonderful ham, a big helping of dressing, real potatoes and gravy, green beans, corn, applesauce, fresh whole wheat dinner roll and butter with a grand piece of home made apple pie!! I have to admit I could have not made a better dinner myself even IF I had tried!! Mother may just have an excellent idea!!

But, to back up to WHY!! Well, on Thursday before Christmas Day I was having an average day that quickly went to Hell in a hand basket!! It was a very windy and cold day, that had ice storms predicted from first early morning that suddenly extended theirselves to very late that evening!! I was quite distraught as I had a visitors at my door that were unknown to me. I telephoned Eunice to stand watch from her home across the street as I was a bit leery of answering my door!! Well, it was a bunch from a "Holiday Network" and I had been placed on a list for a Christmas Food Basket!! Okay, I have suddenly found myself alone and single all of a sudden, but I am keeping my head above water and surviving quite well!! Here I was receiving a Christmas Food Basket all the while I helped distribute the Thanksgiving Food Baskets!! I admit my income and class have dropped drastically, but I am sure enough NOT THAT POOR, or at least no one has informed me of that one yet!! Well, I got a food basket!! I truly felt there had to be some one in this town that needed a food basket so much more than I!! But, weather was closing in and I was not about to go out and try to find a food pantry to donate to or any where else!! Thus, Eunice came over and we pretty much split up all this huge amount of can goods and things I hardly recognized, much less knew how to cook!! Eunice actually had to admit she knew nothing of a couple of these food items!! And, I always "just think" that I have been hit by the worst of this Separation from Max!!

And, then just when I felt lower than low, my telephone rings and it is the Master himself, Max!! Well, so this story goes, as I now feel NOTHING Max says can even be remotely believed!! Max calls and is ranting and raving and actually "begging" to let him come over so I can listen more fully to him!! I finally agreed, but asked Eunice to stay on here!!

Max arrived!! He looked worst than usual!! Seems as though he had become EVICTED from his animal house, rooming house he has lived in since July 16!! I actually saw the EVICTION PAPERS and they cited, "yelling, screaming, inappropriate behaviors and verbal harassment"!!
"Want my surprised look" was the only thing I could respond to Max!! Eunice has been a Landlord for many years and she tried to tell Max his legal rights and also gave him suggestions for finding a new place to live including a place to live with a tenant of her's that was looking for a roommate!! Max would not hear of any of this!!

Thus, Max hit me with coming back home here!!

I was beyond upset!! I had no time to digest all this as Max was sitting in my kitchen begging and pleading to come back home!! Thinking about our upcoming Anniversary on the following Sunday along with the Christmas holidays coming the following week!! I also was not happy as I knew our weather forecast only predicted cold, colder and coldest interspersed with ice storms and snow storms!! All I could foresee was being home alone for all of the following week with no hope of any one much being able to get out!! Thus, I told Max we could try having him come back, but that I had regained much of my independence and that I was not going to loose it nor was he coming back if he did not intend to follow MY RULES and ALL MY RULES!!
Oh, he would do any thing as he was so desperate to come back and try to show me how he had changed and he would make things much easier for me!! Well, he arrived with no more than change in his pockets and no chance of any additional income coming in until his Social Security check arrived on December 24!!

So, Thursday evening Max came and stayed!! He did not have one blessed thing with him, other than part of his medications and a minimum of personal toiletries!! He really seemed very congenial and decent Thursday evening, but why would he not? He did very good all the way through to about Saturday afternoon. Max came in with one hundred versions of "I need EIGHT of my PRESCRIPTIONS" and that he did not have one penny towards getting these!! And, these included his bi-polar manic depression medications, of course!! On Saturday afternoon, I finally said I would LEND him $100 towards picking up his medications with his bi-polar meds being first and foremost!! Well, this just delighted him, at least until I added that I would make out my check to the Pharmacy only!! Well, then it was too cold for him to go out and get them!! Translation - he could not get the cash!! Translation - he could not get to his beloved Casino!! Max went to the grocery store on Saturday with my blank check made out to the grocery store!! I paid for several of her personal toiletrie items and several things that he loved to eat himself. I had suggested some small filet steaks for our Sunday Anniversary as he had offered to cook a nice dinner being I could not go out (not that he had any money to take me out!!). Well, Max returned from the store with a $30 prime rib standing roast for Sunday!! Well, this is some thing I surely would have NEVER purchased and it was some thing I did not want in any way!! I had stressed to Max that the filets should be small as I was not sure what I could "GUM" as I stilll have no teeth!! This prime rib, and his so called preparing it, went over like a "lead balloon"!! I was not happy!! But, Max was in his own little realm and could care about any thing!! Max's health condition has deteriorated very badly!! He is down to 103 pounds and has constant diarrehea!! This situation will not change until he is able to get a prescription for it that he says costs $700!! This was documented by his Dialysis nurses!! I am sure Max has no plan whatsoever to get this prescription!! I probably would not either, except he has been hospitalized three times in the past four weeks for it and infection!!

Monday came and was a very tense day!! Max had set the alarm for 5:00 a.m. to go to Dialysis!!
I was awakened by him and decided that I had too much sleep and that I would get up and try to pull together some kind of Christmas holiday!! I did not get any where with the plan as my heart just was not in it!! And, par to course, Max did not return until well after Noon from his 5:30 a.m. dialysis!! This was one of the BIG problems we had when I asked him to vacate our home in July!! The weather was still quite bad and Miprezious had a 10:30 a.m. appointment with her Groomer for a hair cut and bath!! Max did not "think" he could clear dialysis in time to take her, but "he would try"!! He said he would call and let me know how the time was going!! Now, dialysis is a maximum of FOUR HOURS which should have been completed by 9:30 a.m.!! Being there was no one before him to cause his dialysis to be delayed 9:30 a.m. should have been it!! Had Max not got out in time Eunice was prepared to take Miprezious. But, well before 10:30 a.m. Mi's Groomer called to say her husband had gotten worse in the night and that she had to cancel all her appointments that day!! The Groomer's husband is near the end stage with brain cancer!! Well, I had not heard from Max so at 11:00 a.m. I called his cell phone. He promptly answered which was a sudden change for him!! I asked what was he doing and where was he at as there was considerable background noise!! Well, he had just stopped, at one of the most expensive little tea rooms we have, (like to know the draw there as I can not even see him going to such a place) "to warm up as he was sooooooooo Cold on his way home from dialysis"!! Oh, I was livid!! The commute to dialysis is less than FIVE MINUTES!! Thus, I had the stupid expectation that he would certainly come home ASAP then!! OH NO!! Well, after NOON Max did return!! He was quite snippy and I just wanted to keep the peace!! I finally said that I truly needed a new perm in my hair!! I asked him just what afternoon that I could schedule one that I could depend on him to take me and pick me up from my salon!! Well, he responded "any day I wished"!! Okie Dokey!! I called my salon and told the gals I needed a perm and could one of them take care of this. Well, the weather had made for a complete day of cancellations so most of the gals choose just to do massive cleanup and reorganizing of the salon!! Great day for me to go over!! Thus, Max took me over to the salon and returned home with Mi. Unbeknown to me, Max had started to call the salon and "harass" all my gals as to how long I intended to "homestead the salon this trip"!! I believe the gals tried to explain to Max that a perm took about 3 hours!! Thus, suddenly I sensed some one speaking rather loud in the reception area only to look myself and find it was no other than Max!! When he saw me he immediately became quiet and sat down with all the drama he could muster!! I was livid!! But, then the gals started telling me about Max's previous calls before he decided to just arrive!! I was really livid then!! Thus, Max took up sitting in the Reception Area of the salon making every nasty remark he could think of!! When I did get ready to leave the salon, Max asked about having prime rib sandwiches for supper. I told him it was a good idea, but we needed white bread!!
Max then proceeded to stop at the Meat Locker and the Bakery. He went in both places with my checkbook, but no signed checks!! Much to my astonishment, Max stood there and actually signed my name to my checks and the clerks let him!! And, he came out with several items, but NO white bread!! We then went to a convenience store where Max came out with OAT bread!!
Not any thing I was thrilled about, but again to keep the peace I said nothing. I knew I could not "gum" prime rib as I had already found that out the day previously!! I intended to eat some thing else that was leftover in refrigerator and/or freezer!! Well, we got home and he refused to bring my bigger walker I had used over at the salon in the house as he had tired himself with all the bags from his stops!! I could have taken those bags with my transfer walker!!
Thus, my big walker was in the back seat of Max's car!! But, I gave up on the walker and used the transfer walker!! I then told Max that we should sit down and eat so I could get supper out of the way as it was well after 5:00 p.m.!! I had also given him my CLEAN rules of MY HOME and this consisted of me cleaning up the kitchen only ONCE after each meal!! Well, Max did not want to eat then!! I saw his wheels in motion!! He wanted to be out of this house in his usual fashion of two hours prior to the AA Meeting time!! I thought this was ridiculous considering the temperature outside was dropping by the minute and an ice shower had started!!
NO!! He was going!! Okie Dokey!! I began to prepare my supper and supper for Mi!! All of a sudden, Max who had been rolling more cigarettes at my kitchen counter turned around looked at me and said "you are a "sonofabitch"!! I said "excuse me"!! And, he yelled again, "you are a "sonofabitch"!! And, I simply said, "YOU ARE SO OUT OF THIS HOME AS OF THIS MINUTE!! I went for phone and he screamed "go ahead call the police"!! I was not calling the police, I was calling his worse nightmare, Eunice!! Eunice came promptly over immediately!! She came in to Max's being absolutely quiet!! Eunice asked Max what was his problem. Max yelled at her "it was none of her damn business"!! Eunice then told him, she guessed I had no other choice, but to want him to leave immediately!! Max ranted and stomped around, but did leave!! I just sat motionless and could say nothing!! I did not even want to discuss it at that time!! Eunice told me to lock up well and to not answer my door or phone again!! She said she would keep extra special watch over here!! I was to call her if I needed her!!

Well, about two hours later the phone began ringing and I let the answer machine take the calls!!
They were all Max begging and pleading for me to let him back into the house and that he would agree and do any thing I wanted!! I just turned the sound of the answer machine down and watched my Caller ID for the rest of the evening!! I also listened to the police scanner!! Tuesday afternoon Max began calling again and leaving messages begging to be let back here as he could not take the cold and he had to sleep in his car without any blankets or any thing to keep him warm!! His last call was to let him in just to get a few of his new toiletries as he was going to go over to the hospital ER and try to be admitted there!! I finally told him he could come back in to talk wih me, but that I was not going back to the same old crap that he was still putting out!! He came in and profusely apologized for his outburst the night before!!
I made him hot cup of cocoa and could see his fingertips were actually blue from the cold and he could not stop shivering!! I suggested he get into hot shower and/or bath to warm up!! I also wanted him to bathe as he had not since the past Thursday that I could say for sure!! No way!!
He would just go in and get afghan and sit in front of fireplace with Mi. Mi just went wild to see him again!! He pleaded and begged for one more chance!! I finally said okay, but that was his very last!! Well, he made a light supper and cleaned up from it for me!! I wanted to finish some Christmas projects I needed to finish and he encouraged me to do just that!! He stayed in front of the fireplace and television all night warming up!! He had dialysis the following morning!!
Max asked me to call Dialysis and assure the nurses that he was again staying with me and I did do this. The nurses were VERY glad to know he had a place to stay again and wished me the best with him!!

I had every friend I think I knew call and inquire as to how I was doing!! I told them I had let Max back and pretty much all of them including Eunice told me it was my decision, but that I was on my own!! Okay!! It will take a while for Max to prove himself to me and them!! I just thought I would let things be and just go for peace with all my friends!! This was biggest mistake I ever made!!

About midnight, I heard Max talking to Mi about going to bed. I really had to finish about a hour's worth of stitching to finish one of two Christmas gifts I needed to do yet, so I had decided to stay up and do these!! I went into MY bedroom and asked Max if he wanted to just come home and get a ready made grocery list or did he want to come home and decide what we wanted to have over the holidays!! Max just roared at me that "I did not need any groceries, and that he was NOT going to the grocery store"!! Eunice had called me the night before and volunteered to take me to the grocery store that morning, but Max said he would take care of it!! I just had it!! I told him to get out and to stay out!! I told him I was totally fed up and that was it!! Well, he was going to call the police on me as this was HIS house as well!! I then became lividly pissed off at him and I let him have it with both barrels!! And, I told him to begin calling the police as I had proof he had abandoned this house in July and that being he had NO mail coming to this house he was not considered a resident!! Did he really think I would chance this one? Probably, as all I had been showing him was stupid up until this point!! I screamed at him to get out finally at 2:30 a.m. and he finally left!!

Eunice and Marion called and wanted to take me out to dinner at the Casino on Christmas Eve, the next day, but I did not want to go as my heel was on verge of breaking through and was excruciating painful, Mi was starting major separation anxiety with Max and I really wanted Eunice and Marion to spend some alone time together without me being in the middle of them all the time!! And, being it was Max's Social Security pay day, I knew he would be at the Casino as usual. And, first thing, Eunice and Marion did run head into Max!! And, for the first time known to man, Max had actually won $1,000!! Eunice promptly reminded him he owed me $500 for support payment and took it. She gave it to Marion in front of Max and told him that Marion had my support money and that he would give it to me promptly in the morning!! I bet Max was left speechless at that!! Bully for Eunice!! And, Marion did deliver the $500 to me on Christmas Day!! This was a major relief as each month it has been an absolute hassle to get Max to pay me!! And, I later found out Max had went to the Casino hotel, $89 per night, and checked in as of Christmas Eve day!! Well, that will last as long as his money lasts!! And, then I wonder where he will land!! He better not even try coming here!!

So, all in all, Max managed to ruin one final Christmas!! I would have made plans with some one else if I had any idea all that would have went down!! Although my friends are quite exasperated with me as they all can not believe I let Max come back at all. I think about it now and wonder "why, how, geez, I came a new meaning to stupid"!!

Max's dialysis Social Worker was on verge of having Max recommitted. I did renotify her that Max was no longer with me, nor would he ever be again!! I can only hope for his sake, considering the awful weather deep-freeze we are having, will be committed to a place where they will keep him and supervise his medications and get him back on track!! He will be in awful shape if they do not!! But, again no longer my problem!!

And, I now vow at the end of 2008 that I do not want to even mention "Max" in passing, much less ever dwell on him again!! I do not usually use four letter words, except when Max is around me!! Well, I am trying to associate the word "Max" as a new four letter word that I simply do not lower my self to even use!!

Max you are truly, nothing, but HISTORY, going in to 2009!! I don't want to see, hear or know any thing about you from here on out!! I am refusing to have any thing to do with you or listen to any thing about you!! You are gone!! Your are nothing, but HISTORY!!
Consider yourself a void of nothingness to me!!

Love and Hugs!!
Deborah
and
Miprezious, too!!