Friday, November 27, 2009 - Where is My Calgon?

It has truly just been "one" of those weeks!! I can only hope that it has been just one!!

Nothing spectacular has happened here in the last day!! I did get a really good start on my new "Santa Swirly Cone".
It is really cute Christmas ornament that is the head of Santa coming out of an ice cream cone, lots and lots of beads!!
I just thought that I had a need for some serious cheering up and this should be able to do it.

However, I can only bring to mind those Calgon "Take Me Away" commercials that ran on television!!
We have had one of the worst week's we have had in some time and I so looked forward to it's end today. Max and I got up this morning and he suggested it be simply a "lazy" day for us all and he got no objections from me!! However, shortly after I began stitching, about 9:00 a.m. the telephone rang. It was the VA Satellite Clinic informing me that Max's liver had taken a serious turn for the worse!! I just about fell over as I can handle no more this week!!
The nurse was advising me to get Max's doctors called immediately and tell them that all his liver enzymes, BUN, Creatine, Potassium and Lipids were off the chart in raising!!

CALGON take me away!!

Love and Hugs!!
Deborah

THANKSGIVING DAY - November 26, 2009

We had a lovely Turkey Day!!

Some how, some way, Max and I were invited to have Turkey Day with the pastor of our church. The priest asked us a few weeks ago, if we had plans, and if not, would we come to their private home. I have been quite apprehensive about this for about ten days, so much to worry about, my teeth behaving, Max either misbehaving or behaving, etc., etc., etc. However, every thing went off fine and we had a wonderful day.

Mi is still pretty lisless, but she does not seem to be having any more episodes!! Mi has got hundreds of people praying for her and you will never get me to go against the power of our Lord. I am truly trying to prepare my self for what is to come, but you never know, as this would not be the first miracle I have been granted. The priest, extended family and church family have all put her at top of their Prayer Lists.

I did get two finishes, by the very tip of my all, to take to the priest's home. I just had decided to do TWO BISCORNUS about ten days ago to take as hostess gifts in Thanksgiving pattern. Max went to my LNS to pick up some threads I needed and a piece of fabric for these when Kathy K. called me. And, she ever so tactfully, told me, Forget It!! I thought what is she thinking, as I have had some successes with my stitching speed as of late and I was primed and geared to do these two Biscornus. Thank God, for Kathy K. She even had a website for me to go to pick up a "freebie"
Thanksgiving chart for a FOB. Talk about planning ahead. I just barely finished my second stitched piece as we were leaving to go to Turkey Day dinner!! I still would be struggling through my first Biscornu wondering now what would I do!!

Max had dialysis and was actually too tired to do any thing, but sit very quietly while with priest and family. I guess that was some what of another miracle in it self!! The church is having it's first annual soup supper next Sunday. There were "sign-up" sheets placed out in church hall and every one was asked to pick some thing they could do to contribute to it. Max signed us up for serving the soup!! Good Lord, can you see him pushing my wheelchair with me holding a tray of bowls filled with soup!! Another of his "what was he NOT thinking days"!!

I am looking forward to a slightly more slowed down week this coming weekend and the following week. We have only one appointment on one of the week days thus far. Last week, we were tripled up on appointments almost every single day!! Slowed down will be ever so nice!!

Love and Hugs!!
Deborah and Max
and
Miprezious, too!!

THANKSGIVING DAY EVE - November 25, 2009

Well, it appears that my Blog is slowly just being totally forgotten!! I have to really try to keep it up from here just for my own memory as I can not remember, even important, things unless I write them down. However, if you are looking for a smile or good word this will be the last place you will want to read!!

I was literally "stoped in my tracks" with Kathy B.'s passing on October 7, 2009. To visit Kathy you would never have thought any thing was wrong and wondered why she was in that awful hospital bed. However, Kathy's telephone calls were beginning to scare me slightly. She was not the happy go lucky and cheerful lady I knew her to be. Her last calls were full of pain, although she tried terribly hard to keep this from me. I still am wondering what and how of the time of her passing. At bedtime, I suddenly remembered, stop as there had been no phone call or email from Kathy B.!! But, I was overly tired and was glad to have been put to bed that night. And, I fell into a deep sleep, however, I was awaken for some reason. I could not go back to sleep nor could I get Kathy B. from my mind. Thus, I finally got up and ever so wanted to pace!! However, my wheelchair would soon have left tracks in my carpeting. I then opted for my stitching nest and tried to get all cozy and settled. However, I became more agitated as the clock ticked by!! I suddenly decided about 1:00 a.m. that I was going to get a list of area hospitals and just call them to check with answering Operators if Kathy B. was with them. I soon found a hospital that was hospitalizing Kathy B.
The Operator asked if I did not wish to talk to the Kathy B.'s Unit Charge Nurse. I thought well I could just to see if I might find out any thing and to ask if, and when, I could visit as soon as possible for me. The telephone was answered by Intensive Care Unit and I got the first big blow to my stomach. I then asked if Kathy was a patient and the nurse answered she was. I then asked if I would be allowed to visit Kathy first thing in later morning. The nurse asked me to hold on the phone a moment and I said sure and waited. She soon returned and then asked if I was Deborah and I told her I sure was. She then told me Kathy's caregiver had given her permission for her to tell me any thing I wanted to know. The Nurse continued in telling me she was sorry, however, she had, unfortunately, just disconnected Kathy's life support just before answering the phone!! I got a second slam to my stomach which simply did take my breath away. I wanted to yell wait a minute as Kathy and I had just spoken in the recent hours so how could this be and was she sure we were speaking about the same person. I finally was able to ask if we left as soon as we possibly could would I be allowed to see Kathy B. The Nurse then went on to say she understood I was confined to a wheelchair my self and that she did not think it would be a good idea for me to travel on such short notice in such a wee hour. I was up and I truly wanted to see Kathy one more time. However, the Nurse continued to tell me that it was her experiences in the ICU that she would estimate that Kathy B. would pass within the hour, so it would not be the best for me to start out. It would be a sixty mile commute. I simply could not believe this at all!! I tried to remind my self that dear Kathy had suffered ever so much, but yet ever so silently the past eighteen months and that she would finally be at peace and suffer no more, but it did not seem to matter at this time and took most of the day for me to come to realize this fact.
Kathy's Caregiver called me and told me Kathy did pass at 2:45 a.m. I do not know why Kathy's passing had effected me so deeply, but it did. I have lost many before her, but this passing I could not find peace with and I was also still very much not at ease as to why I woke when I did. Kathy's memorial service was scheduled for the next morning.
It was very nasty weather and Max was not doing well at all, however, I was adamant that I was going to at least attend Kathy B.'s Memorial. Eunice told me she would get me to where ever I wanted to be when ever I choose so we decided we would go to Kathy's Memorial. Before we had me ready to leave, Max appeared dressed in his dress clothes and insisted on going with us. Thus, we did go and say our good-byes to Kathy B.

The last few weeks have not been the best in this household. Max continues to worsen each day and is to the point of I simply can not come to understand how he can keep going. He truly is trying the very best he can, however, it takes my entire self to watch over him and be sure he is not doing some thing he should not be. The Dialysis staff believes Max is in need of a Home, but at this point I will not hear of such a thing. As long as I see some effort on his part, I am going to continue to try and help him. I get very down and blue with watching him day by day as I know if I were the one so sick he would have insisted I stay down in bed and he would wait on my every need. He still tries to take care of me!! There are more problems than I even can begin to realize, however, we will continue to take them step by step and one day at a time.

I simply thought things were not going well, but I truly did not have a clue. Last Friday, Miprezious was not doing well and some thing was very definitely wrong. I had to be at my doctor's for a scheduled appointment each month that simply can not be missed. Thus, Max stayed with Miprezious at home and Eunice took me in for my doctor's appointment. Upon returning home, Mi was truly in need of some thing. I finally called her Vet and asked that she could be seen before the weekend started. We were able to take Mi into Vet early Friday evening. Mi has never been away from me or placed in a cage at any time in her life and I was already starting to preach to Eunice and Max that this would not change this evening either. The Vet swooped her away from me and attempted to get blood and urine for lab tests. I could not vision how any one could get urine from a small black poodle. I was totally apprehensive and a whole lot "miffed" at this Vet for not answering my questions prior to swooping Mi away from me. When he reappeared he began answering my questions and I became totally "irate" with him as they had taken a "needle and passed it in to Mi's bladder" he finally told me. But, he did not get the urine he needed which I could have told him as I wait for her to empty her baldder, before taking her in the van. Well, he simply was not sure what was wrong with Mi. He said he suspected a "urinary tract infection or probable diabetes"!! I simply wanted to swoop Mi back out in to the safety of my van, but I could not move a muscle in my body, much less get out of there!! The Vet started Mi on an antibiotic series with an injection. He also told me it was of utter importance that I get "some one to help me with getting a cup and catching Mi's urine". I thought he had to be kidding, but he was dead serious!! So, I picked my baby up and held on to her very tight as Max helped get me out of there. Mi slept with out interruption the remainder of Friday night and all day and night on Saturday. I became increasingly concerned with her. She seemed a bit better on Sunday, however, the Vet continued to check with me daily on how Mi was doing. Yesterday, Tuesday, Mi went into some sort of "episode" that scared me to death, so once again we bundled Mi up and were off to the Vet. It is about a fifteen mile commute to this Vet's office and Mi was totally shaking and upset that she was in the car on the highway again. I could do nothing to ease her apprehensions!! She had just laid down and her eyes literally rolled to the back of her head about two hours before this. I had my caregiver working right beside me with Mi beside us so she immediately went to Mi and asked if she should pick her up and put her in to my lap and I told her absolutely. So, Mi laid quite limp in my lap for about ten to twelve minutes and then seemed to go quite rigid. I was absolutely terrified, but she seemed okay upon looking more closely at her. The Vet is saying he thinks Mi had an extreme drop in her blood pressure that had caused this episode and it was the first of many. Max and I had placed Mi's "Pee Wee" pads she is accustomed to using with their right sides down so it resulted in an area of plastic for Mi to use to urinate on. We did finally get a small puddle and Max was able to get it put in a dropper and placed in a sterile bottle. The Vet was extremely happy that we were able to get some urine for testing. He started the lab tests immediately and continued to check Mi. The lab tests finalized and the Vet came back and assured me that Mi did not have diabetes, Addison Disease, etc. that he had been suspecting. I thought good news, but the big blow came shortly!! Mi is not retaining any protein in her blood and this has resulted in Mi beginning to go in to kidney failure!! All I could think was Mi was now going to begin dialysis also and be just like Max. The Vet told me there was caine dialysis, however, it was very costly. I just replied, "oh well, there goes our ranch"!! The Vet told me that the dialysis was not available any where in this area. So, we are to try and change Mi's diet to strictly poultry and vegetables to help her if any help is available for our little furbaby. The Vet told me this was not the news we wanted to hear and that it was not good news!! He then told me we should just take Mi home and watch her carefully and try to make her as comfortable as we can.

I am so way beyond heart sick with this. Many people may look at this as she is just a small poodle, but she has always been Max and my "princess". She even had her little pink hoodie with the name "princess" monogrammed on it. So, the fight is on to save our dear Miprezious!!

Please pray very hard!!

And, all have a Happy Thanksgiving as this is what all should do!!

Love and Hugs,
Deborah and Max
and,
Miprezious, too!!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 04, 2009 - UPDATE

It has been way too long since I posted any thing and there are now rumblings of "where is Deborah" among my Groups!! Thus, I am posting to let every one know that I am okay!! I have never been so all out excruciating tired in all of my life!! Yesterday, was finally crash day!! I got up at 5:00 a.m. to see that Max got off to dialysis on time and well. Then I thought well good I have at least four hours of totally uninterupted stitching!! I so had looked forward to these four hours!! But, no I zonked out and went into deep sleep!! Max came back at 10:00 a.m. and I got up to make sure he was okay and to fix us a quick breakfast. I got this accomplished and went back to get a very troublesome knot out of my #12 Perle thread I am using on my newest project THE SWEETHEART TREE "Stitcher's Favorite" Biscornu. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep again and thank the good Lord so was Max!! He awoke me needing a multitude of nothing, but serious things to him!! However, to my shock and disbelief it was 6:00 p.m. and Miprezious immediately also started demanding "Mommy" time and was quite in a "snit" her supper had also not been served. I had pork with sage and onion dressing in mind, but it was not some thing to have been started at 6:00 p.m. at night, short of wanting to eat at towards bedtime hour. Thus, I had to do an about face, and decide what I could cook in an amazing short time!! I decided on Birdseye Alfredo Chicken Voila in which I add a package of frozen Reames Home-Style Noodles. Thus, I had dinner made and ready to be served within a very short period of time and we all did sit down and ate supper. I told Max he could at least try to help me do some of the cleanup and dishes and he readily helped. However, we both went back to our separate spots and both fell to sleep again till about midnight when Mi woke us both up protesting she had not had her ice cream bedtime snack as of yet. We got ice cream for every one and quickly ate it and went straight back to bed. I literally had slept from Friday evening about 5:00 p.m. until about 8:00 a.m. Sunday!! But, I truly had an extremely hard week with Max!! But, yet my sleeping did not stop with getting up on Sunday!! I got up about 8:00 a.m. today, Sunday, to enable me to get to church on time. We barely slid into church on time and we have been assigned the very front pew as it will accomodate my wheel chair. I was in the service, but no way could I follow along and keep up with the right place through out the service!! Upon getting home, I fixed some sausage and eggs. and we all ate and it was back to bed for every one again. We set two alarms as we were scheduled to return to church for the annual "Blessing of the Animals" Service at 3:00 p.m. Both alarms rang and we both heard them and one thought the other had gotten up to get the other person up in time, while in reality neither of us had gotten up. About 2:50 p.m., Max came running in my bedroom and told me we were going to be late for the Blessing Service. I got up and literally jumped right back into my church clothes, go Mi ready and we were off to church again. I have vowed to stay awak until at least bed time this evening as NO ONE needs to sleep as much as I have done all weekend!!

But, this sleep was such a welcome blessing!! Max has taken to wandering again and when he is up, unfortunately, I must also be up. Poor Max has had an absolutely horrific week once again this past week. He grows weaker each day and can do less each new day!! Max simply is not doing well in any shape or form!! He continues to deteriorate each day!! I have vowed to keep him at home just as long as I posibly can!! He is confused most of the time and is not able to follow even my simplest instructions!! He has fallen twice this past week and both were quite serious falls. I believe it was Thursday he fell flat on his face in the middle of my Stitching Sanctuary and there was no getting him up as far as I was able to do!! I punched the push button for Eunice and Marion when I discovered there was no getting him off the floor and Marion responded immediately. Max has lost such drastic weight that Marion was easily able to wrap his arms around Max and pull him straight up to being on his own feet again.

I do not have the slightest idea of what I am going to do at this time. I have been able to get a gal part-time and her name is Lisa. She is really very good and will do any thing that I ask of her!! I also secured a way of ordering all my groceries needed and have them delivered. This is a very great help. I found a laundromat that will take our wash in first thing in the morning and have it ready by late afternoon at the latest of the same day. This helps immensely!! Lisa is more than willing to drop it off and pick it up!! I have had to resort to taking the Municipal Transit System my self about a year ago and am quite sure both Max and I can resort to it again if the need arises. Max is still driving, but only when he has me in the car with him so I can be that second pair of eyes looking and watching the other traffic. However, we both know it is only going to be a very short time before he can not drive him self any more.

Max just continues to deteriorate is about all I can say to describe his condition presently!! I fear should his name come to the tope of the National Donor Transplant List tomorrow it will be too late as he can not handle that type of surgery in the physical shape he is in today any longer!! It is simply a very sad and tragic thing to see happening!! I do not think Max has given it much thought or at least he has not indicated such to me!! It is all so just unfair!!

I am trying to stitch to keep my mind at ease and sane through out all these weeks!! I do have a whole bunch of finishes and can not wait to get time to photograph all of them and additionally my Stitching Sanctuary real soon!!

Well, I just wanted to check in with every one and let you all know that I am okay!! Unfortunately, I get very little time on the computer any more. So, please if you need to get in touch with me, please write "IMPORTANT" in capital letters in the subject line on your email and I will try to skim my emails every day or so!! I miss keeping in touch with you all and also just reading and keeping up with the Groups. I am hoping this is just a temporary thing and will not last too much longer. I just feel trying to take care of Max is far more important than any thing else I can do right now!!

I hope all of you are welll and thigs are going okay!!

Love and Hugs!!
Deborah

SEPTEMBER 21, 2009 - I AM STILL HERE and AM BORING!!

Greetings!!

We are all still here!! Do not ask me any thing else as "I do not know"!!
My computer decided to quit working, with the help of Max, about three weeks ago. I just got it back from the Computer Tech on Saturday. I thought I would truly miss it, but I found I did not. Guess this addiction has run it's course, very thankfully!! I always feel guiltly I am going to miss some one needing some thing so simple as just an added ear to listen or eye to read. However, I got so much stitched during this "down" time!! I think I had six finishes!! That is more than I had many of the previous entire year's times!! I want to get these things pictured and also the very lovely gift Trecie sent Miprezious, however, the camera and I are not coordinating presently, but hopefully one day very soon.

Finally, found an optometric shop in this one-horse town this evening. Eunice drove me down to eye specialist in Davenport (50 miles south of us) last Thursday. Both my regular and stitching glasses had drastic changes along with info I have fast growing cataracts. The eye doctor wants to remove them as soon as possible, but it will just be another "iron in the fire" around here presently. I found out this morning we have two optometric shops in this entire town!! Went to one this morning as other was closed till mid-afternoon today. In 2004 I had to go to this eye doctor for some thing strange at the time going on and I can not remember all the details, however, my mother informed me that this Optometric Center had really messed up the problem and made it far worse. Everyone told me not to pay the balance I had owing to this "quack" of $140. And, for the first time in my life, I did not pay this guy!! We went into his Optometric Center this morning in spite of the problem FIVE years ago for lack of better choice.
The gal did not even want to get up and exert her self!! When Max began demanding service she finally got up. She took my prescriptiions and insurance card and went into a side room. She came back wanting to know if I wanted to pay the $140 I had not paid. I just glared at her and asked if I looked that stupid!! So, this afternoon, right before supper we went to the other Clinic and got excellent service and two pair of glasses ordered.

Max is not well at all. I am guilty of not being able to handle all that is being thrown at me right now!! I hate to admit such a thing and Eunice tried to tell me I should not feel this way this afternoon, but I do. He is confused and can not follow even the simplest of instructions at this time. I got really disgusted with every one last week and I called a different Clinic and got a new "endo" doc!! He told of actually working seven years at the VA Hospital Max is going to for his transplants. This doctor said he very much doubted if a "real doctor" had seen any of Max's tests and reports as of then. He also said he would not accept any of their results and/or films, etc. So, poor Max has to have both upper and lower scopes and a whole morning of CT Scans.
It was scheduled to begin tomorrow, however, par to the course, this wonderful Dialysis Center refuses to cooperate with this particular doctor in any way, shape or form!! Thus, every thing has been moved to Thursday as of last phone call. I am very confused about what I should do if this new doctor does not do some thing soon. We have always said we would take care of each other until bitter end, unless it just became too much. It is too much!! Every one, including Eunice and her hubby, are advising me to place Max in a Nursing Home. I simply will not give up this easily!! Thus, needless to say, things are getting quite "intense" around this household!!

I did hire a new gal, Lisa, today to take over keeping the home clean and some what organized I hope. She is a young mother of a five year old little girl who is a real cutie. She was born at 26 weeks and only weighed slightly over a pound. She was in the Intensive Care Unit at University Hospital for four months!! Lisa is a very friendly gal who came highly recommended from a dear friend of mine. He worked with her at our Quad-City Airport prior to her giving birth to little "Faith". She was here today and did not run so I "think" she will stick it out here. Things have just kind of simply not got done here and I will gladly keep her very busy for at least these first few weeks. Hopefully can then taper her to need for keeping the home clean, groceries, appointments, etc. Finding Lisa has been a big relief for me right now.

I am off to actually stitch a bit before going to bed. Max is also "wandering" in the night and this means I have to "wander" also so I am grabbing a nap when ever I can. Poor Max will be 65 this Friday and instead of a big birthday breakfast he has two bottles of some very "yucky" stuff to drink. There has been so much new "yucky" stuff coming in this house that Eunice took it all home and only left was needed on day one when ever that begins!!

Hopefully, I can get back into some interesting things to write and get lots and lots of pictures that I have intended to show. My new gardens almost got finished this year. I have totally finished my "Stitching Sanctuary". I have at least the six new finishes!! And, I can not remember what all else is sitting here!! Guess, I will be for finding out here soon!!

Love and Hugs!!
Deborah

SUNDAY, August 16, 2009 - VAN LIFT "1" and DEBORAH "0"

Well, not looking too bad all things considered at least yet!!

I swear to God, freaky accident and my name go hand in hand!! If it can happen it will happen to me!!

I am trying to figure out a quick and condensed version of this as the pain is excruciating just after a few hour's nap!!

This afternoon Max announced his daily trip to the Supermarket and Miprezious had just enough of these and demanded to ride along!! Mi can not go in the van unless I ride along to make sure she is secured at all times and with today's sauna hitting 85 degrees after early morning storm I had to also be assured she would be kept cool enough. Mi is jet black and just seems to soak up all heat!!

So, I have to go find my finest pair of flip flops and snap all the snaps on my finest house frock and run a comb through my hair. And, off the three of us go to the Supermarket!!

Well, we arrive and immediately it was the usual fight with Max to circle till he found a parking spot up front so Mi and I had some thing to do. I do not mind an occasional trip out just to "people watch"!! Arrgg!! Bark!! Bark!! And, those noises were not from Mi, but rather Max that he had to "jockey" for a good parking spot up front!! He finally lands the big Chevy Van and off he goes.

And, Mi starts in her usual watching and occasional comments on the people going to and from!! We see people go in after Max and come out before Max!!

It was beginning to get a bit warmish so I hit the automatic side door of the van next to Mi and I. A short time later, I noticed a very elderly woman intently watching Mi's escapades and my trying to keep her in her seat!! I was thinking I would love to have taken Mi over to this lady's window and allowed her to pet her as you could just tell she really wanted to do so. I had decided "should" Max return before this lady's driver that I would make him take Mi over to see this old woman!!

As I was watching and balancing Mi I thought I felt the seat move under me and thought "Good Grief Woman get a grip"!! Suddenly, I knew I was moving, but had no idea of what was going on!! Max had just had our van into the Service Center about ten days ago as the Lift Control had been broken the night of the Fourth of July fireworks and had to be repaired!! I mean all the wires got jerked out of the hand control and it got physically dragged about 25 miles. We had a ten year old grandson of Eunice's with us and he kept saying, "Mr. Max some thing is dragging on this van" repeatedly!! Well, what did this small boy know was Max's response to me!! Well, that small boy knew far more than Max as the hand control had gotten stuck in the automatic door for the umpteenth time since we have had it and gotten torn apart!! Dah, Max might you just even had a wee idea the boy knew what he was referring to!! So, the van and the lift and it's hand controls went into the Service Center to a standing open Service Order to Rewire and Recheck entire lift system of this van!!

Thus, today that darn thing just took off. I had not even touched the hand control and, in fact, it was laying across my thigh!! However, I was mysteriously moving rather quickly straight into the cement payment below me!! But, in this descent, my right foot got wedged under the lift seat and my left foot got wedged under the front seat!! My legs were literally doing the splits with both ankles turned the wrong way with excruciating pain shooting through my entire body!! I simply clung to Miprezious with every attempt to keep her safe and unharmed!! Well, this old lady who was watching us, began to scream for help!! Soon, two men were trying to stop that damn lift and all the while try to hold me up so my weight was not making my legs worse and in an effort to keep me level with the seat!! A lady ran over and talked Mi into letting her take her and proceeded to stand under a shade tree and try to calm her!!

These men frantically tried to free my legs one at a time. They were getting no where quickly. Finally, they just twisted my left knee all the way around in an all out effort to free my left foot!! By now, this house frock was beginning to unsnap many of it's snaps, but frankly at this point I did not give a care!! With two more additional men they were able to lift my body enough to have my foot some what free and were able to set it free and eventually the other.

I was literally seconds from that lift crashing into the cement ground!! I do not even want to think what would have happened if it had!! I already was literally hanging by my ankles from the van floor out the side of the van with both legs completely caught and unmovable.

I got several scrapes, cuts, abrasions, a few pavement burns, sprain to one ankle and one knee and I do not want to think of the bruises that will be showing by tomorrow morning!! Max's pictures did not show the injuries well at all. He will have to give it another try tomorrow morning.

I know, from too many past injuries, that it is always worse the second day!! I do not know how that could be possible!! I do not ever remember pain like I am having this evening only after a short few hours of napping!!

I swear to God WHO could get caught in their own lift device, but me!! I felt like a complete idiot until after these wonderful men got me freed and then attempted to put the lift back into the van and found there was no controlling the darn thing. The slightest movement in the cable at all set it off for a new and different surprise each time they tried.

Needless to say, Max will be waiting on that Service Center's door step first thing tomorrow morning. The owner is a friend of mine and he does not "appreciate" any "come backs" of any kind and prides himself on this fact!!

This man will literally blow the roof off that Service Center and only God will be able to help the technician who worked on this lift last week!!

Meanwhile, I truly think this is going to truly put me out for a few days or more.

My additional morphine available to me is not even touching all the pains from this little "incident"!! My dear lift chair in my Stitching Sanctuary looks better every time I have to go out to me as I know I am safe, cool and do not believe I could be hurt in it. It is going to take some where quite special for me to even want to get in that death trap of a van again any time soon.

You know, this summer has not been kind to me in the least little bit this year!!

Love and Hugs!!

Deborah

H O P E ! !

HOPE is a small little word with a powerful punch!!

Don't ever ask me what I had for breakfast any given morning, as there is probable little hope I will be able to remember. However, ask me any time about 5:00 p.m., August 15, 2005 and I can not forget that very moment. This is when I had for the very first time heard, "So sorry Deborah, nothing more can be done"!! I had just transferred into my home, after sitting in a Court Room almost all day watching the prosecution of my sister and her decision to break into our home and rob us, while I had laid with full life support keeping me alive 120 miles away in that past year!! While experiencing many emotions and feelings never previously ever considered, much less ever considered I would have to deal with, I was handed off, by one of my attorneys, my ringing telephone. I then heard, "so very sorry, Deborah, there is nothing else that can be done" for the first of many times to come!! Unfortunately, at that moment I was being told Max was gravely ill and our general practitioner had come to the conclusion nothing else could be done!! We were ultimately given about six months more life expectancy, unless a donor transplant could be found!! And, thus my fight for Max's life began!!

I can not remember each battle, and truly do not want to. This has been the longest four years of my life. It has been one long series of wins and loses!! I am sure I could put them all together, but it would take days and it matters to me little at this time. That is, unless I could turn them into the "Television Movie of the Week" and make my first million on another very badly chosen script!!

I think every one knows I have pretty much been on complete bed rest for the better part of the recent months. I recoup a little bit, just to be hit with some thing else to take me two more steps in reverse!! Last few days have not been good!! But, nevertheless, good ole Uncle Sam sent additional greetings demanding my presence at yet another pre-transplantation "conference"!! Realistically, Uncle Sam, a.k.a. Veterans Administration, is looking for a "nice" way to say, "so sorry, Mr. Markham, but we can not transplant a liver and kidney in you because........."!!
Well, to put it as politely and nicely as I can, "Over My Dead Body"!! Max and I have had more than our share of "ups" and "downs" with our relationship. However, had it not been for Max my butt would still be rotting away in that "hellhole" of a Nursing Home I had been placed in!! Also, apart we both just have long and hard struggles, but together we can not be broken by any thing or any one!!

Thus, we had to be on the road again this morning, headed west the 90 mile trip, to the Veterans Administration Hospital!! I was in excruciating pain and overly tired before we got started and every mile just became worse!! I was primed and readied by the time we arrived in Iowa City!!

We were just there about two months ago, when I spent a grueling day going through what a team of six psychiatrists thought would be role-playing which I put an immediate halt to!! This day then went to one scenario after another of a game "well, if this happens, what will you do, and if that happens, etc., etc., and etc.!! After six hours of this, the plan was to put me through a three-hour series of memory and agility testing!! Good Grief!! What part did not these "overly educated a$$es" not understand that I am on more morphine daily then most people ever encounter in an entire lifetime and I am in a wheelchair?!! About noon this day, I finally raised my voice to just an octave below screaming at them "enough"!! I would meet any thing presented to me and either handle the situation by my self or place people back on payroll to handle it for me, BUT every thing and any thing WOULD be taken care of!! I further told them I would rather be headed back east home than spend another three hours repeating myself!! Suddenly, we got a previously unscheduled recess. Max and I left the hospital and found a wonderful little deli and had a delightful and leisurely lunch.
Upon returning to the hospital this six panel "whatever" had disbanded and word was left they were done with me!! Max had to go on with about two more hours of testing!!

During this time, I had suddenly been scheduled with a pair of Social Workers (we all know how I "love" Social Workers - NOT!!) while waiting for Max. I was informed of several things at this time, but the only thing that remained in my memory was my having to stay in a hotel for about six weeks alone and then an additional three weeks in the hotel with Max "if" a transplant was going to take place!! There was much other information given to me, at this time, but every thing was lost as I knew six weeks alone in a hotel having to commute back and forth each day was all that I could absorb. It was one of the first times I felt "not a chance and no hope"!! Hopelessness is not some thing I will ever accept "gracefully" and I come back "swinging"!! I had come to the decision of simply "Whatever"!! "What ever" could they do to me to MAKE me stay nine weeks in a hotel!! I do not handcuff to a bed rail easily!! So, "what ever"!!

I had a rather "uncomfortable" few days!! I then was once again able to get ahold of my self!! I personally, very much, do not believe in fear. Fear only gets a life, "if" we give it one!! And, I have learned so very much from knowing Eunice. One of the big things, I had to work on was worry. Fortunately, Eunice has been working on this problem with me for several months and I have learned from experience not to let worry come into my life, until it truly comes in and not a moment before!! These things coupled with my deep belief in prayer carried me through!!

However, a few weeks ago, we had gotten another "letter" to be at the Veterans Administration Hospital!! A friend took Max and I stayed at home. I was happy as a clam, having nothing to do or any one around me at all!! Max returned home much sooner than I ever expected rather upset!! The staff at the Veterans Hospital refused to go any further with this Transplant Process with out my presence!!
Personally, with my attitude coupled with my pain levels, I would have advised them to "rejoice and be glad" I had not went along!! Nope!! Every thing had to be re-scheduled for today!! Okie Dokey!!

Thus, this morning at 6:00 a.m. we were up and making our way back to Iowa City!! I am speechless to describe my attitude and demeanor of today!! It was plainly the worst ever through this entire "Process"!! Max had the usual tests and moderating. I had a bad incident prior to leaving my home this morning - I could not put my hands on any Aida cross stitch projects!! I had simply forgotten I needed my "Mighty Magnifier" lamp to use any thing other than Aida!! First appeared nothing to "tame the beast"!! Then, I sudden saw a glimpse of a 3-D Christmas Card I have started on perforated paper!! Such relief!! Without realizing it, I have pushed all my Aida WIPS to the very back and deepest bottom of my WIP area, as I have absolutely fallen in love with linen and evenweave. Big problem for another day!!
We got on with our drive, and I started thinking about all the members who post about stitching while traveling. I never used to be able to read, do puzzles, write, about any thing while riding in any thing with out consequences of car sickness.
This was some thing I really did not need, but this was the kind of morning to push all limits!! Thus, I pulled out my perforated paper and supplies and began stitching on my "Snow Globe". I do not know what peaked my interest, but suddenly I realized some thing simply did not look right!! Thus, I just stared at my piece of perforated paper contemplating how to make the "cut-outs" for the 3-D Card. Good Grief!! I had started the "Snow Globe" design the wrong way on the paper!! I suddenly calculated needing 22 squares more above my stitching, while I only had 15!! Well, as my father always used to say, "you can not make applesauce, out of horse shXX"!! Sorry, just that kind of day!! Thus, some one will be getting a "one and only" snow globe stitched insert in their Christmas card this year!! There was nothing or no one who could possibly ruin this day any further, so I amazingly took it in my stride and just kept on stitching!!

Max finished up his business by about 10:00 a.m. and the "Social Worker" who had requested to have my "presence" had made an appointment with us for 1:00 p.m.
Thus, Max and I got back in our van and found a Perkins Restaurant for a fantastic "brunch"!! We just took our time!! I casually mentioned trying to find a LNS, but this idea went over like a lead balloon!! I do not know if Max had a LNS on his agenda or not, would bet "not", but as he was trying to maneuver my wheelchair from under the table he just barely scraped my leg. I initially did not even give it a thought!! A lady sitting at the next table stopped me and asked if I knew I had been injured while being pulled out from the table. I could not figure out what she was talking about, but decided to look down at it and only saw massive blood!! It takes little, or nothing, to get me to bleed on "bloated" days like this and bleed I did do!! Unfortunately, we had to spend a considerable amount of time on clean and patch up duty before any thing else!! Thus, we went back to the hospital and we sat out in the sun for a short time. It was only high of 64 degrees and wetness after a rain day, so the sun felt so good!! Finally, it was our scheduled time!!

We arrived at the Social Worker's, Carol, office right on time. She asked that we just go into some empty exam room to wait for her to finish her lunch!! Yeah, sure, take your sweet time lady was my only thought!! I had not actually seen this woman yet, but only had heard Max's rants and raves about her the past two weeks!! There was a large portrait of all the Transplant Staff on the wall. I told Max we could start the games early by letting me try to pick out our new "special buddy" from Max's clues on the portrait. First guess, I got her!! Well, that was not too entertaining for very long!! Well, another stitching break. I managed to get all the many "snow" confetti stitches finished!!

Carol finally arrived in our new "conference" a.k.a. exam room about 1:15 p.m. She then proceeded to sit on one hand to the other in an attempt to write and also keep warm as the room was so cold!! Finally, she simply had to go find a sweater as she was just too cold!! I was going to offer mine draped over the back of my wheelchair, but you never know about Max and my quick departures where there becomes a need!! Finally, we got yet another interview, that I alone have already been quizzed over at least a dozen times!! Thus, I just decided to ask whether that computer "thing" she was working on was incapable of reading the notes the last twelve interviewers had made so it would save us all a lot of time (oh, the urge to just say "a lot of valuable stitch time)!! Well, yes it did and she did not know "why", but just she had to fill out the forms completely!! I just gave it up and went back to "my" old reliable "what ever"!! Well, she was very worried about my safety as Max's "Support Person" so could not our "Back Up Support Person" step up to his "Support Person" and we ask some one else to be his "Back Up Support Person"!!
Well, it took me a minute to unravel all these "Persons", but I told her I could very assuredly tell her "NO, that most surely would not happen!!" Well, did I mind "sharing" with her why not? I told her I did not mind in the slightest, as we simply did not have a "back up support person"!! What about possibly a grandchild? Well, if we would have had children, which we did NOT, they might have responded, but I was quite sure "grandchildren" were out of the question!! Now, I got a bit miffed here as you have to be 18 to be considered a "support person" - I asked just how old did she thought we happened to be!! Oh yes, guess I would be correct then!! Much discussion ensued, but the subject of a "Support Person" was lost in the big tangled mess!!

Carol went on to quiz me over the possibility of us asking a potential donor for their kidney and/or section of liver!! I had ended our "Support Person" discussion with it was Max and I against the world by OURSELVES and we had long ago accepted this and possibly Carol should also move her mind set to this!! I truly thought this was "the point"!! Carol wanted me to be sure there was not a friend, possibly a person Max had worked with, etc., etc., etc.!! Can you even begin to imagine hearing, "Uh, Hey, Deb!! You know you and I have worked together a long time, you think you might not miss a kidney and/or part of your liver?"!!!! NO, I can not even imagine such a thing!!

Well, I started not believing a word this woman had to say to me!! However, I walked out thinking God had placed her especially right in my path to watch over us!!

Carol has above and beyond promised an end to this insanity by mid-October!! At that time, Max will finally, just over four years later, be placed on the National Donor Organ List!! I was busy thanking the Lord, when I heard "Um, now Max has Type O Blood. That will place him 3 to 5 years down on the list, give or take a circumstance or two!! I immediately begin to think, Carol, Max is Type O Blood which is almost the universal blood type!! Where in the world are the rare blood types on "this list"!! Well, Max will be placed on the National List retroactive back to June 16, 2008 as this was his dialysis start date!! Why can I not shout "Happy Dance" on my rooftop?

Carol "assured" me that she would be placing in the record and having held on "stand by" a private ambulance service to transport me to and from the hospital each day as they do NOT have any vehicles that have access for a person to be transported in a wheelchair!! Carol says I will only be required to stay 7 to 10 days in the hotel alone and when Max is discharged from the hospital we would only have to stay another week or so together at the hotel!! She said I was required to stay in Iowa City to "support" Max's getting up to walk several times each day immediately following his transplant as the staff is too busy to make sure each patient is assisted and does this walking several times a day!! I absolutely QUIT asking do they not see me as a disabled person in a wheelchair that does not walk herself, much less support a man walking immediately after surgery!! She said if I needed further "help" at the hotel room the hospital would provide it. I ask again, perhaps they should provide this "help" for Max where it is needed and could be used!! I will be glad to go home and just get the heck out of the way!!

I was completely stunned with Carol's time frame, hotel "help" and actually knowing Max will be listed on National Donor List finally!! She went on with so many other details and I am lost as to almost all of them!! I keep questioning Max if I did not have a day where my morphine had gotten off balance again!! I am continuing to question this entire day!! Max keeps assuring me this is a perfectly normal day for me and I am having no "episode"!!

And, as we progressed on, Carol discovered Max's Vie Nam tours. These have virtually went totally unaddressed for all these years and now suddenly she told us we were entitled to an extremely substantial amount of tax free income also from these as Max did develop prostrate cancer some years back!!

Carol seemed very dedicated to her job and also very proudly told us she was very sympathetic to the Viet Nam veterans!! She convinced me she was totally knowledgeable about all aspects of the different Veteran's Acts and all the Rules and Regulations. Why can I not bask in the wonders of the possibility that we have finally won this battle I have appealled, appealled and appealled?

I guess all I can do is now sit back ,pray and HOPE!!

Love and Hugs!!
Deborah