Monday, March 28, 2011 - I AM EXCITED!!

I am intent on finishing all the loose ends of Max's funeral and estate, etc. by the end of this week. This morning the funeral home director came to my home to help me accomplish many things. Among these things was picking out the cemetery marker. This task made me even more sad than I started today, however, before it was finished I was happy, smiling and ever so excited!! Again, my camera and I need some more coordinating with each other as I got more bad pictures, however, I did try my all to get this marker's picture clear so you could see it. I lived a stitcher and now I am assured I will pass as a stitcher and be ever after remembered as a stitcher. I got a cross stitch piece, hoop, thread and needle engraved in my own cemetery marker!! I am happy and so excited over this!! I had no idea this could be done!! The pictures are below. I am also very excited and happy to have Miprezious Dee Dee included on our family marker. De De I has her own bronze marker at the foot of our graves.

And, I also got another finish for this year all in my past "Me" stitching weekend. I think this was the quickest finish ever for me!! I am contemplating making it in to some thing like a pillow case. I am going to try to find a small piece of Easter themed fabric for the back of this. Of course, in this one horse town there is no where to purchase fabric, but there is always the possibility of my going the hour commute to next largest town where they have all kinds of stores. I then am hoping it will fit over the permanent star on my display tree and I will have an Easter tree topper!!

It is just three weeks ago today that I lost the love of my life Max. You would think I could not possibly have any more tears left in me, but they still sneak out without any warning too much of the time.

I did get my self awakened and dressed yesterday morning in plenty of time for church. I feel there is absolutely no place lonelier than sitting in a church pew by your self. I drove to my church as slow as I legally could and found a parking place. And, then I proceeded to simply just sit and chat with Max about making my self get out of my car and go in to the church. I eventually did go in to the church and the services were once again lovely. And, a couple did come in as ask if they could share my pew and did introduce their selves to me. I still can not say this is a comfortable thing for me to do, but hopefully I will keep making it a habit and it will become easier.

Today, I did begin re-doing my kitchen. I have searched for some ten hours online for some simple solid colored, tea rose preferably, kitchen tier curtains. I have not been able to find any thing!! I am about to declare a nice finder's fee to find them. I am also going to buy a new dining table and chairs as soon as I can find a set I love. I have a big old style solid maple drop leaf table and chairs that are simply too big. I am planning on hopefully finding a much smaller sized set as my days of large dinner parties are over. I am also hopefully going to find a nice stackable washer and dryer to put in my kitchen if the plumbing and venting can be done. Getting a washer and dryer upstairs will give me the total independence that I want so badly!!

I am intending to do each room in my home one last time. I no longer have to worry about the "ifs" and questionables as to Max ever coming back home again. Prior to this time, I still wanted to keep things comfortable for Max as I planned on several weekend visits and I always held out the hope I could some how bring him home for good where he belonged. Now, having to accept that will never happen changes so many things.

I want every thing in it's place and kept that way from now on. I have absolutely no one to blame any more for any clutter or mess as both Miprezious and Max are gone. It is just now me, my self and I.

Overall, it was the best weekend I have had in quite some time!! The weather is forecasted to be very nice the next few days so possibly I can get all my "to do" list done before a new one begins!!

Love and Hugs!!

Deborah

Friday, March 25, 2011 - IT IS THE WEEKEND AND I FINALLY HAVE A PLAN!!

Yes, I am still taking one step forward and two steps backward, but I am making progress!! However, if one more person tells me how "strong" I am, I actually want to show them!! No, I truly do not feel this way as I know every one is just trying to find the "right" thing to say to me and all sincerely do mean well.

This is still gut wrenching hard and so very painful. I miss my beloved Max more each day, all nineteen of them. It seems like a life time ago. I still jump when my phone rings each night thinking one it is the nursing home telling me of more troubles or two, hoping it is my dear Max going to tell me he loves me and goodnight.

It seems like my days are just crazy busy and full. I "think" I am just about done with my "to do" list and will be caught up, however, as Eunice pointed out to me this afternoon there will just be another new list awaiting for me!!

Eunice is my beloved neighbor, friend and all out caregiver. Max and I would have sunk to the very bottom years ago without her just "stepping up" and taking over here. She also happens to be a black woman who has her own ways and a bit different culture ways. I had a problem initially, but now I have learned to LOVE her macaroni and cheese, corn bread, green beans, cabbage rolls, fried cabbage, sweet potatoes and the list goes on and on. I never would touch these particular foods before I sampled them from Eunice!! And, today she came over (intent to keep me busy and my mind occupied) and did an inpromtu cooking class. I hopefully learned a lot and more hopefully pray I can remember it all. Every thing turned out very tasty and will be a wonderful dinner for taking a dish to my own mother and supper for me tomorrow.

I began this day with having to run a relatively short errand and had an appointment. Well, my appointment got re-scheduled for tomorrow and this left me with the prospect of probably my first weekend where it was not planned for me!! Thus, I did make a stop at my local LNS and ended up getting three new pillows and the new Waxing Moon "Bunny Egg Mini"!! The colors simply jumped out at me and I love them all. The wedding project nears ever so closely on May 14, but I simply had to break out and do some thing I just wanted to do cheery and fun. Thus, I planned to begin to stitch all weekend, with no regard for every thing else I have falling on me!! As I said above, Eunice arrived to cook, cook, cook and I did assist and hopefully learn. All this food has me set for the weekend and I am simply going to forget the kitchen makeover I was intent to begin until Monday. This is going to be MY TIME first weekend and I intend to make the most of it with hopefully some spring finishes!!

And, I had the furniture store come and exchange the "salmon" colored chair for an olive green chair to complete my newly redecorated living room. Also, for a few finishing touches, I added a bit of Easter to it.

Thus, I have to be going forward, at least I think I am!!


Above is Waxing Moon Designs newly released "Bunny Egg Mini" and I purchased a piece of "Chablis", "Whimsey" and "Raspberry" colored fabrics to stitch a few of my own eggs. Above is Pine Mountain April "Rick Rack Row" Pillow. I love the colors in this pillow and can not wait to get it done!!

Above is Pine Mountain April Tuck Pillow. Such bright and cheerful colors and another project I truly want to get done as soon as possible.

Above is Pine Mountain "Spring Breezes" Tie One On Pillow Kit. This will just have to brighten my mood!!

Above is one of the wedding projects I just HAVE to have done for the May 14 wedding. It is by Imaginating and is called very simply "Toile Frame". It is wanted the bride truly wanted and in those exact colors!!

And, above very side ways, (one of these days I am going to learn how to edit these pictures) is one of the three new ornament trees I had gotten.

Finally, decided to attempt to decorate one with some sort of effort.

And, I found the greatest Easter egg and nest in my all time favorite pink while shopping for doilies for the new tables. I love this find!

And, above is the final choice of chairs for my new living room redecoration project. Think I am totally in love with this project and can now just get nested in my new stitching nook and just take it all and get used to it in between those little "x's"!!

This has to be all time record, TWO Blogs in the same week!!

Love and Hugs!!

Deborah

TUESDAY, MARCH 21, 2011 - LIFE CONTINUES ON!!

Life IS continuing without getting my vote!! I was "made" to attend the first of fourteen "grieving" sessions last Thursday!! I just know I am going to be "expelled" from this group even quicker than we did at Puppygarten!! I just want to get up and choke these people and tell them to get a life, but yet I know the gut wrenching pain and loneliness these people are going through. However, the next newest besides my self is SEVEN YEARS out!! I do not want to think I am going to stay in this state for another seven years or more!! But, at this point, I pretty much do as I am directed as I can not make up my mind as to what type of cereal I would like for breakfast yet.

I am doing okay. I now choose to at least get out of bed, rather than opting for a week of not moving from it!!

Prior to Max's ultimate last fall that broke his hip, I had started planning on redoing my living room. One day last week I found my self driving by the furniture store and decided to go in and see if I still loved the choices I had made. This furniture store has been run by at least three generations and probably more of the same family. The children I grew up baby-sitting are now running the store. However, their parents have just moved back from Las Vegas and are living upstairs of the store. Some one told the mother I was in the store and she yelled down orders that I was not to leave until she could come down and see me. And, the mother came down and we sat down on the very furniture I had chosen and chatted for almost four straight hours about the old days and my own parents. I soon realized I was sitting on the new smaller version of the sofa I had decided I had wanted and then decided I would surely purchase it. I also purchased a chair and three tables. The sofa and chair both actually rock and I LOVE them!! The furniture was delivered today and I soon discovered the chair just was not compatible with my existing lift chair and for that matter my entire living room. As par for the course, Eunice was called and came immediately over. We both then decided this same chair in green to match the pillows that came with the sofa was just what was needed or at least I sincerely hope so as I did call the furniture store and asked that they bring up the green version of the same chair and they will be doing this tomorrow afternoon.

I had wanted to get the entire living room and foyer cleaned and shined to perfection today, but discovered about half way through this task I was tired to exhausted and knew it was time to quit until tomorrow. So, I think I will have completely redone my living room now as I recently had it painted and carpeted.

I guess, I truly have accomplished some thing!!

I still have so many loose ends from Max's services and so many little things that need my personal attention. Last week, I was determined to be eligible for collecting on Max's Social Security as it was much larger amount than my own. I also was given Max's full pension. And, I was informed to get my own Medicare Supplement and Prescription Drug coverages ASAP as I would no longer have any medical insurance coverages whatsoever other than my own Medicare!! I was stunned!!
I hardly know where to begin. Eunice advised me to go to AARP, but got turned down immediately with them as I am no where near 65 years of age yet!! I guess tomorrow is another day and it has to be the first day of my search for medical insurance coverages as the people at RSVP were able to inform me my prescription drug costs amount to $3,300 PER MONTH!! In the past, I had to pay little if any thing for my medical coverages, and had no idea what the full costs of my prescriptions amounted to. Yet another new experience I do not want to have!!

I am close to like 180 posts on my Blog. I thought and re-thought over and over about the name of my Blog when we lost Miprezious in September. Now, I think I am going to have to change it in some way to reflect that both my beloveds Max and Miprezious are no longer with me.
Yesterday, marked two weeks since my dear husband went to heaven and it seems like it is forever already!! They tell me that grief is the cost of loving some one precious to you. I wonder about ever loving any one else again if this is true!!

I finally did get out my stitching as I have a dear "adopted" daughter getting married on May 14. I am creating both the ring pillow and card box around my stitched pieces. The main piece that she wants to put on the card box is this marriage piece I have pictured and is called some thing with "toile lace". It is a major PITA to stitch and most unfortunately on Aida also. And, I have not even begun the second piece yet!! Guess, I am being forced into some major stitching hours NOW!!

I have also posted some pictures of the new living room as it is tonight. Tomorrow will bring the new chair and great hope it will be the thing to simply make this room pop and coordinate very well together. Again, only time will tell.

I am so hoping to begin to Blog and perhaps do something real crazy for possibly renaming the Blog and it's 200th posting. Fortunately or unfortunately, my mother is now online and I do not think she is ready to read this Blog's history whatsoever!! Another reason for a new Blog beginning!!

Above are all the pillows I stitched during Max's six hour dialysis sessions when I was going and staying with him through them.

Above and Below are pictures of the "toile lace" I am stitching for "They Lived Happily Ever After"

Above is the new sofa and oval glass top end table.

Above is the new coffee table which I will eventually place all the many memorial pictures I am fast accumulating.

Above is my new stitching nest on the right and the new chair that is being returned tomorrow.

Love and Hugs!!

Deborah

Tuesday, March 08, 2011 - Rest In Peace Beloved Husband

After a VERY long and VERY hard fight, I lost my beloved husband, Max, yesterday, Monday, March 07, 2011 at 9:25 a.m.

Unfortunately, it was the most unimaginable horrific type of death I ever had to see. Every time I try to close my eyes, I see and hear it all over again and again.

Max and I definitely had our ups and downs, but we always were brought back together, better than ever!! I truly loved my husband. I felt like such a horrible failure when I had to give up and admit I could not longer care for him and had no choice but to place him in the nursing home on August 23, 2011. I would not wish this fate to any one!!

Bottom line, my beloved Max is finally at peace and not suffering any longer. And, my Max did suffer to the very bitter end.

A wonderful lady who happened to be of black skin was in attendance to Max in his final hours. Within the last minute or so of Max's last breath this beautiful nurse just broke out in the most beautiful song about not having tomorrow. She sang like an angel and made a very horrific scene quite beautiful. I will be ever so honored with her singing this song again at Max's funeral on Thursday!!

My Beloved Max,

We always said "A family is not made up by numbers". But, the two of us were like an entire army. Together we overcame most obstacles that came our way, that would stop all others in their tracks. However, this was one obstacle that you had to face alone, but still the fact remains you won!!

You do not have to worry about any more heartaches and pains because now you are with our Heavenly Father.

You were my buddy, my care giver, and beloved husband for thirty-one plus years. I will not say good-bye because I will see you again. Do not say I did not warn you!!

Yes, God has carried you to His house, a better place. So sleep on Honey and take your long and well deserved rest.

I loved you, but God loved you best!!

Give Miprezious Dee Dee lots of kisses and hugs till Mommy sees her again also.

Love Always,
Deborah (Big Mama)