Wednesday, February 02, 2011 I AM STILL HERE!!

Lopsided, but I am here, I think!!

We had very nice Christmas and New Year's holidays as I did have Max home on weekend visits. We did real good, despite my falling almost immediately upon arriving home on new year's eve afternoon. Unfortunately, Max began a very dangerous downward spiral shortly after the holidays. All I can say is it is truly one day at a time!!

I am presently working on taking some "ME" time. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done!! GUILT!! GUILT!! GUILT!!
My body began to give me final warnings to stop along with every one I know right down to our Pastor to start staying home more. I am beginning to try, as the weather is leaving me little other choice also!!

Max was rushed to hospital two days in a row by 911 Ambulance/Paramedics a few weeks ago. His blood pressure was 208/142 coupled with being completely incoherent. Was truly a jump start for me at 5:00 A.M. followed by a 2:00 A.M. wake up calls to go to the hospital to meet the ambulance!!

Max simply can not and/or possibly will not sit through his entire dialysis session any longer. He simply just begins to fuss a bit and escalates within minutes to adamantly demanding to be taken off the machine and just standing up and has actually threatened to take out his own needles!! There have been a few days he simply refused to even go to the dialysis center!! The Pastor has spoken to him at length along with doctors, staff, me, etc. and get no response from him. Perhaps he has simply just had enough, but no one knows for sure and I truly suspect especially Max him self.

I have finally experienced a few full days of not being with Max. Today was the first that was free of total physical and emotional exhaustion, although I have to admit I went in and out of bed till 2:00 p.m. I truly was guilt free and was able to some what relax and truly wondered what to do with my self in spite of viewing a home that needs cleaning and dozens of stitching projects calling to me!! The weather, and more to point, the snow MADE me stay in my home. My yard man did my snow and he made it a point to come in and tell me that he did have my drive open, but very much recommended I stay in today and tomorrow if at all possible. We are to drop to very low single digit temps tonight and tomorrow. Thus, I plan to stay in till at least Friday. Also, Max's dialysis had to be postponed today till tomorrow and he will be very tired. Dialysis days are lost for him as he has started to become very incoherent and confused about midway through session and this remains till later part of the evening. Max does not truly know me and actually prefers to just sleep away this time, so it is best he is just left alone to feel free to just sleep.

I am finally truly getting in some stitching time. I have dozens of things that will be finishes in short periods of time as they need very little. I got in habit of taking the "pillow" kits to dialysis as they were easy to do under the limited stitching light and area I had. I will have several done by probably end of this week.

I am now splitting my time in stitching and re-organizing my stitching.
"THAT" room still exists in my home and one way, or another, I am intent on getting through it before spring arrives. There is a major down sizing coming here soon. I will probably be just creating a new Blog for this as there are hundreds of things going to go!! I intend to organize "first come" basis for these things, however, I do intend to give Preference to every one who took the time to send Max birthday and Christmas cards!! Max and I both THANK all who were kind enough to think of him!!

I was not sure if I could remember how to post pictures or not. Thus, I did try to take a few pictures of the frontage of my home. I hope these come across well.

I will begin posting all my end of the year and first of the year finishes within the next few days!!

I AM BACK although some days I do feel buried under these drifts!!
I simply will never be over the loss of Max and Miprezious!!

Love and Hugs to All!!
Deborah
One of these days, I will figure out how to turn these pictures around!!

Drifts are tall as my canes!!